5 Ways to Reignite Intimacy After Resentment
Jesse Zimmerman, Certified Sex Therapist and Author of Sex Without Stress, emphasizes the importance of staying open to reignite intimacy after resentment.
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It had been months since we’d had sex. Three to be exact. I always swore we’d never be that couple. That I would never allow days to become weeks and weeks to become months without attempting to jump his bones if he wasn’t trying to be intimate. He wasn’t and I wasn’t. I had no interest in seeing him naked or giving him a Happy Ending. I didn't care to reignite intimacy. We were in a sexless funk because of resentment.
I resented him for not supporting my dreams of continuing my writing career as a work-from-home mom. He resented me for placing the financial burden of our family on him.
He was right. Inadvertently, while being laser-focused on my writing and my gig as a SiriusXM host, I abandoned all practicality. Pragmatism was not my strong suit. And I was also right. When we met on Plenty of Fish, I told him I was a writer. He met me just as I am, doing what I loved to do. He still committed to me, asked me to move in, and later, proposed and decided to procreate with me.
Reignite Intimacy After Resentment
So you understand why I wasn't excited to reignite intimacy after resentment. I felt like I was being told to change, and I didn’t know how to tell him how much it hurt that I didn’t feel accepted or supported by my fiancé and the father of my child.
As they say, communication is key. Especially when your relationship is falling apart. Jesse Zimmerman, Certified Sex Therapist and Author of Sex Without Stress, emphasizes the importance of staying open to reignite intimacy during troubled times.
“Intimacy is about letting yourself be seen and known, not just when things are good and not just the parts of you that you like,” Zimmerman explains, “it’s incredibly easy to lose emotional intimacy when a couple isn’t getting along.”
When neither party wants to "reveal negative thoughts and feelings” because they “don’t know how to have difficult conversations during conflict," a natural step is to withdraw and hide our feelings. However, shutting down is the worst thing a couple can do. As difficult as it is to open up when there is strife in your relationship, Zimmerman suggests to “lean into your partner and share the bad with the good as it helps maintain an intimate connection.” If you don’t, you’ll become an atypical couple who rarely has sex, which, according to a study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, happens more often than we think.
This study discovered that married or cohabitating American couples have less sex now than in past years. You can, however, turn it around and become that intimate couple once again. Zimmerman suggests the following steps to reignite intimacy when resentment has reared its ugly head.
Talk honestly about what’s going on and how it feels.
And that’s without blaming your partner. “Blame and criticism are likely to evoke defensiveness, not a constructive engagement with the issues,” Zimmerman says. Plus, it takes two to tango; both parties have contributed to the disconnect and distance in the relationship. You should each “approach this with the understanding that the situation has been co-created, and that each person should be looking at their own individual accountability.”
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Reignite intimacy by feeling sexy and worthy.
I know what it feels like to feel undesirable because you’ve gained some weight, or to feel unworthy due to old narratives of not being good enough. Those feelings only worsen when your partner doesn’t kiss you, compliment you, or seek you for sex. However, you can’t depend on “the reaction of others to create your sense of value and attraction,” Zimmerman states. “We take a partner’s sexual interest as a statement about our sexiness, and likewise we take a partner’s lack of interest personally, too.”
Instead of looking for outside validation, whether it’s cheating or flirting with someone other than your partner, Zimmerman advises to “sever the connection between your feelings of worth and the reflection you get from the outside.” Instead, practice self-care, do things that make you feel like the sexy, attractive woman that you are, and find your worth outside of your sexuality.
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Know the difference between thoughts and feelings.
This is crucial to stop the blame game and understand how you both feel and perceive the issues in your relationship. Zimmerman gives this example of how to differentiate between thoughts and feelings:
“You might say, ‘I feel like you don’t value the contribution I make to the family,’ but this is not a feeling statement. You probably feel sad and resentful, but you think your partner does not appreciate you and you think they don’t value what you do. This distinction defuses the tension because acknowledging that you have added your meaning to the feelings underscores that they are just your thoughts; they are not absolute or even necessarily correct.”
We can easily create a reality based on thoughts, feelings and our own personal baggage.
Practice deafferenting thoughts and feelings to better your communication and, in turn, reignite sex after resentment.
“I” instead of “you.”
It isn’t easy to stop pointing fingers when you feel like your partner has wronged you, hurt you, or doesn’t validate or understand your feelings. But, using “I” statements is the best way to express how you feel without labeling or judging your significant other, and vice versa. This is difficult to do mostly because we often go into conversations with our partner trying to prove them wrong.
Just remember, “your feelings are valid because you are having them, but that doesn’t mean they’re accurate,” Zimmerman reasons.
“Recognize and own that you are making meaning out of events; this keeps your conversation in the realm of exploring what’s happening for you instead of attacking your partner.”
Still having a difficult time using “I” statements? Zimmerman gives this example to guide you: “Let’s say you’re feeling like your partner doesn’t value your contributions to the family. A better way to say that might be: ‘I realize I feel sad and resentful about how much I think I do for the family. I have this story that you don’t even notice all my effort. Or that you don’t care or value the ways I contribute. This belief keeps me distant from you, and I can tell it’s really in the way of our relationship. Will you explore with me what I’m thinking and feeling so we can move it out of the way?’”
When you lead the conversation this way you’ll be able to honestly communicate with your partner and be a lot more vulnerable.
Take accountability.
Admit your part in all of this. Acknowledge the role that you play in your relationship and question the root of said role and how it benefits and/or hurts you, your partner and your union.
Here’s another example by Zimmerman on how to communicate while taking accountability, using the same example of not feelings appreciated:
“‘I know I have a part of me that is a martyr. I do a lot around the house that you don’t even expect. I take more on that I can handle, and I struggle to ask for help. Sometimes, I don’t even tell you I’ve done something. I wait for you to notice, and then I end up getting resentful when you don’t. I have been too afraid to bring this up and address it, and that’s on me. Going forward, I am not going to secretly pick up the slack, and I am going to talk to you to work out a more equitable way to share the responsibilities.’”
This shows you can admit your faults. It also sets the stage for your partner to reciprocate.
There are more ways to communicate effectively to get to the root of resentment and reignite intimacy. You can find more sex advice and tips in Jesse Zimmerman book, Sex Without Stress. #CommissionsEarned
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Also, take time reflect on what type of relationship you desire and what your sexual needs are, if they are yet to be met. After all is aired out, if you are not yet ready to get it on with your significant other, go back to basics. Date each other, hold hands, and hug every day, even if you don’t always mean it or want to. Reignite that spark in simple ways every day so that blue skies reign again.
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