5 Love Blocks that May Be Keeping You Single
And what to do about them - because you're a catch!
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So another Valentine’s Day has passed and March will be here in a minute. You’re still rolling solo, don’t want to be, and you can’t quite figure out why. I mean, you’re a catch, after all! So, WTF tho?
Now don’t get me wrong. This dating (cess) pool can be atrocious and filled with love bombing scammers (ahem, Legion), dry text messages (wyd, grand rising queen, anyone?), and men who refuse to make plans. It’s hard out in these streets! Those things are true and challenging. But real talk. Those things are only exacerbated if you haven’t done the work on yourself to make clear, confident decisions for when you do find a fella showing up with intention. (Because they are out there, too!)
Here are 5 love blocks that may be keeping you single and what you can do about them. And guess what? They have nothing to do with your looks, the apps, or your age.
Perfectionism! Oh how I know this one intimately! And my how things changed once I realized that it was holding me back. While striving for excellence is a good thing and leads to success in career and beyond, holding on to perfection holds you back. Because the truth is - none of us is perfect. To be human is to be imperfect. To make mistakes and learn and grow is the human experience.
According to Healthy Dating Educator and Coach, Kira Sabin, “The problem with perfectionism in dating is that it convinces us that we are just “putting our best foot forward” but it’s really keeping us from showing our real selves.” So while you are so busy trying to look perfect, say the right thing, not rock the boat, etc., you are stifling parts of your authentic self, which means you aren’t connecting. And if you can’t connect, you can't have a deep and fulfilling relationship. And surprise, surprise - that makes you the emotionally unavailable one. (This was a mind blowing, mic drop moment for me when I learned this!).
So, what can you do? Well, start with accepting that you're not perfect. As Kira shared, “this mindset keeps us from being vulnerable which is the actual foundation for love.”
Try leaning to small moments of vulnerability with people that you trust and that already love and care about you. That could look like sharing an embarrassing moment from your day with your sister. Or, when your best friend asks you how you are, tell her how you are really doing. Even if you want to cringe saying the hard parts out loud. If this love block plagues you, this will help you push through.
Self-Esteem…without self-worth. Don’t get it twisted. Having high self-esteem isn’t a bad thing. Being confident in your abilities and accolades helps you shine. However, if it isn’t paired with a hefty dose of self-worth, you can be susceptible to the intrusive thoughts and negative feelings that come when you have setbacks. Because self-esteem is built on a foundation of things outside you. Your grades. Your looks. Your physique. Your career. Again, not a bad thing, but what happens when you get laid off? When you don’t get the job…again. When you gain a few pounds. When your skin breaks out. If you don’t have a deep, steadfast belief in your inherent worth as a human, it can all fall apart. Just know, it’s not a group project. As our expert, Kira, teaches in her Reinventing Dating programs, “No else can give you your worth. That’s why it’s called self-worth.”
What’s the solution? Well, there is no silver bullet, sunshine, but you can develop a practice of self compassion and self kindness. I like to think about this as treating yourself as you would treat a friend. Pants fitting a little tight? Would you berate a friend because she gained some weight? I’m guessing no. So why would you do that to yourself? Same with dating. Maybe he said he was no longer interested. Maybe he was unkind and just ghosted you. As frustrating, and frankly, immature, as that is, that’s a him thing, boo. Not an opportunity for you to beat yourself up. When you develop that unshakeable self-worth, you can better withstand the wild winds of the dating world and know that regardless of what he’s doing or saying, you are worthy of the love and relationship you desire.
ALSO READ: 24 5-minute self-care ideas to boost self-love
Hyperindependence. You’re the girl that frequently says you don’t need anyone or anything. And you still deeply desire a relationship. Well, I hate to break it to you, but all relationships require a level of interdependence to thrive. “We have to have needs in our relationships, even when it’s scary,” Kira shared. “When we don’t show the people in our lives how to be there for us, support us, care for us, and even love us, they usually don’t stay. Because part of love and a healthy relationship is learning how to support each other so you can build trust and intimacy.”
That means you have to be able to work together with your partner and not just do it all alone. I know it’s the way you are attempting to protect yourself from hurt, but honey, keeping people at arms length doesn’t help you build a relationship. It blocks you from love.
How do you overcome hyperindependence? Well, to start, recognize there is no reward without risk. I know it’s a risk to ask for help. To trust. To rely on another person. And, that risk can be mitigated with a tag team of tactics. First, know your worth and choose quality people to be in your life. Reliable people are more likely to engage in reciprocal relationships resulting in less moments of disappointment and frustration. Second, practice communicating your needs and desires openly and directly. Like I mentioned above for perfectionism, try it out in small ways with people you trust.
Not articulating your values. If you are a woman of a certain age, you grew up on a diet of rom-coms. They’re light and sweet and fun, of course, but they lack the nuance and substance that real world relationships require. Love at first sight might be a cute storyline, but when push comes to shove, if you aren’t on the same page for the long haul, even the hottest flame will eventually fizzle. Good vibes will only get you so far if what you desire is fundamentally different.
What’s a girl to do? Start by getting clear on your core values and non-negotiables. Let’s say family and community are important to you. You expect to be at your uncle’s birthday party or your niece’s dance recital. Your love interest can go weeks without talking to his mother and it not disrupt his life. You can’t imagine missing Sunday dinners, Christmas Eve celebrations, or other family traditions. He won’t give another thought to taking a trip to Thailand on Thanksgiving. Beyond that, what if you are excited about being a mom, and he doesn’t ever want to be a dad? All the chemistry in the world can’t overcome wanting two different lifestyles, girlfriend. You’ll end up in a cycle of short term situationships if you don’t get clear on what truly matters when it comes to long term love.
Not understanding relationship stages. This is another place where the Disney princess movies and rom-coms played in our faces, y’all. Now listen. I’m a romance writer. I love a happily ever after! And I know that in the real world, the happily ever after is often the beginning of a real relationship. In the movies, we see the blissful build up. The fun. The passion. The honeymoon phase. It’s magical! But long lasting partnership is at a stage long beyond the honeymoon. Not that you can’t keep the good times rolling and have those magical moments, but knowing how relationships evolve past that is crucial. Eventually, you’ll see each other’s true colors. Flaws and all, like Beyonce said. And just because you and your love hit the power struggle phase doesn’t mean it is time to throw in the towel. It’s a natural evolution.
How do you keep going and get to the really good stuff? Things may not be as fun and fancy free, but the good news is, with acceptance, respect, and choosing each other, you can leave this love block behind and elevate to a new level. And that sounds pretty magical to me!
PLUS: 60 Affirmations to Level Up as a Woman in the New Year
Now friends, my disclaimer. None of this is a guarantee. You very well might tackle your perfectionism and develop your self worth and better understand the stages of a relationship and still be single. And that’s okay. We’ll keep hope alive! However, at least in the meantime, you will know it’s not based on any sort of self-sabotage or love block and spare yourself a lot of heartbreak. (And if you are looking for a place to track all those experiences, consider this journal (paid link)).
If this resonated and you’re not sure how to go the next step deeper, I recommend investing in Kira’s virtual Reinventing Dating Day Intensive. Tackle topics like identifying what you need in a relationship and rewiring your brain for love. Leave with a customized action plan that will empower you to take the next step in your dating life and let go of the love blocks that might be keeping you single.
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